This is what we think of your swimsuits, boys!

Should they be tight swim briefs or better a casual pair of swim shorts? Solid colours or turtle pattern? When it comes to choosing the right type of swimwear, men often get stuck. Perhaps reading our jury’s contributions might help you choose more wisely, and who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised and change your style …

The jury

The four women of our jury are smart, quick and eloquent, all in all ahead of the game. Our four swimwear commentators are: Laura Knoll, law student; Julia Werner, style columnist at Süddeutsche Zeitung and deputy editor in chief at Glamour Magazine; Princess Isabelle (“Minzi“) zu Hohenlohe-Jagstberg, princess, swim shoes tester and columnist at TZ newspaper; Annika Blendl, actress (Tatort), director and award-sweeping violinist at the young musicians’ competition “Jugend musiziert”. Guys, these are the kind of women you want to impress!

Retro

Frescobol Carioca Badehose Modepilot

Retro style dark blue swimsuit by Frescobal Carioca

Julia Werner, journalist: “This mix between cycling tights and briefs is the best recipe for making one’s butt look like a flat disaster (even if the wearer boasts quite a normal butt). It remains a mystery to me why some men choose this type of swimwear; I can only think that the man who makes this choice actually dreams of sporting a pair of briefs but is too nervous with the whole tight package situation at the front and a possible fall out at the first high wave. Which implies either an overconfident or prude man, mind you. You’ve got to love swimsuit psychology.”

Minzi, princess and swim shoes tester: “These look like a woman’s bikini shorts and their cut is wrong for any male body type. Even the fittest of men look kind of wide at the hips. They don’t suit anyone really.”

Laura Knoll, law student: “This swimsuit is not forgiving at all. It is quite high maintenance when it comes to the body figure one must have to sport these in style and requires a fair amount of body training. Not too much though, otherwise you will soon look like you belong to a body building contest. Very rarely, there is of course the absolutely perfect flawless body with natural muscle contours – overall not my thing.”

Annika Blend, actress & director: “I like this swimsuit type, but you have to be quite fit and muscular, so that it really flatters your body without making your butt look flat.”

Playful patterns

Villebrequin Badehose Modepilot

Swim shorts with synchronized swimming pattern by Vilebrequin

Laura Knoll, law student: “These are my favourite! The pattern is cool and thanks to my hours-long observation at the beach I can honestly say they suit everyone! Whereas they work really well in actually hot weather, they’re certainly not meant to be used with loafers and ‘casually’ unbuttoned polo shirts at a beach club in Ibiza. That’s a bit much…“

Minzi, princess and columnist: “When I see a man wearing this kind of shorts, I can’t help the thought that he probably wears Mickey Mouse socks too.”

Annika Blendl, actress & director: “I could easily imagine the man who wears these shorts to be a guy from Munich who tries to stand out.”

Julia Werner, journalist: “My favourite! Lobsters, mermaids, Woody Woodpecker, for me patterns on men’s swim shorts can’t be fun enough. Like most men, this is the type of guy who has a secret thing for funny tie prints. As someone who knows how to dress for every occasion, he is not afraid to take his humorous side to the beach and have some fun with it. This man has good taste and that’s exactly why he picks this style. Not too long, not too short, not too big. You know the type, basically this is the outerwear version of his gentleman boxer shorts. This is very likely a guy who nails the art of combining camouflage Bermuda shorts with Tod’s loafers; probably an Italian who invites you to spaghetti vongole for lunch.”

Swim slip

Badehose Arena Blau Modepilot

Classic swim briefs by Arena

Minzi, princess and columnist: “These have the same effect as sour jelly beans. First, you have a shock from the sense of taste, then you kind of chew on anyway.”

Annika Blendl, actress & director: “I like this swimsuit style, because it’s plain and simple, unless the wearer has to deal with too much body hair.”

Julia Werner, journalist: “I don’t like vain men and this is why this swimsuit doesn’t work for me. It works well only for the ultra-vain peacock types who have sculpted a body the way Michelangelo sculpted David. The only men wearing these briefs that I can take seriously are Olympic athletes. Of course you can get away with it if you’re Giorgio Armani (at the beach of Saint Tropez in his black version, I bumped into him and just starred in awe).“

Laura Knoll, law student: “There are two types of men sporting these: 1. Michael Phelps (he can, therefore he should) and 2. men with chest hair as thick as a winter fur coat who spend their summers strolling around the coast of Capri and probably think that this is what a man in a swimsuit should look like. An extreme version of these would be the same look in red, which on the beach could double as a SOS sign. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Discreet swim shorts

Saturdays NYC Modepilot Badehose

Swim shorts by Saturdays NYC

Julia Werner, journalist: “There’s really no for or against argument when it comes to these plain shorts; and probably the same goes for the wearer hiding in them. This is the type of shorts wives of a certain discreet taste buy for their all-too-busy spouses who probably make it to a sunny destination about once a year. Usually the man who wears these is someone who hops from under one sun umbrella to the next, otherwise his feet burn in the sand.”

Annika Blendl, actress & director: “This swimsuit is ok, perhaps a bit conservative and the grey/black colour blocking creates the impression of a shorter crotch.”

Laura Knoll, law student: “Minimal and colour-blocking, these always look nice somehow. And they are totally fail-proof.”

Minzi, princess and columnist: “This is a versatile staple piece and a safe choice for every man. You will never receive a negative comment for these and of course you don’t stand out either. These are the kind of shorts that make you blend in with the bathing crowd.”

Bright colours

Sundek Badehose Modepilot

Swim shorts by Sundek with the brand’s typical rainbow stripe on the back

Laura Knoll, law student: “Baywatch meets sea horse. These bright shorts are guaranteed to attract attention both for lifeguards as well as beginners who need saving. The crisp colour probably appeals to a younger crowd too.”

Julia Werner, journalist: “A bit too short for my taste, too tight on the body and too red. To me, these look like the classic ladies’ man style.”

Minzi, princess and columnist: “Super sexy shorts. The white line on the back accentuates the butt nicely and the colour says summer and sport. Women will look, I bet my boyfriend’s Speedos on it!”

Annika Blendl, actress & director: “It’s possible the man who wears these has a big butt and tries to visually break up the effect with the arched line on the back of this style. You’ve been warned!”

Jammer swimsuit

Arena lange Badehose Modepilot Schwarz

Black jammers by Arena

Annika Blendl, actress & director: “If you’re going to wear these, you might as well ride your recumbent bicycle and afterwards go all sweaty straight in the sea.”

Julia Werner, journalist: “Only for Olympic athletes. Or better yet: only for Iron Man champions.”

Laura Knoll, law student: “If you haven’t worked on your male equivalent of a bikini figure and you’re not participating in the upcoming triathlon, you might want to stay away from these. Whatever you decide, you are not to be seen wearing these after 10pm. There’s simply no excuse even if you do swim as a sport.”

Minzi, princess and columnist: “These are cycling shorts and as such, they are meant to be worn only when you go cycling. You can pull it off if you participate in the triathlon, other than that they make you look like a wannabe.”

 

Shopping! Find all the above swimwear styles on the Mr porter shop >>>

 

translation by Maria Delta

Photo By: Catwalkpictures, photo collage with pictures from Mrporter.com

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